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Occupy Hell

As the movement spreads, there's trouble down under, way down under

Scene: An large, dark wood paneled executive office from the 1930's. A well dressed gentleman with a slightly annoyed look on his face sits behind the desk shuffling non-papers when he is interrupted by the intercom.

Intercom: Bzzzzttt

Executive: Yes

Sexy voice from intercom: "Excuse me sir, but Jerry from the fourth ring is here...."

Executive: Send him in.

Like most people, Jerry was a little nervous about bringing the boss bad news. He had more of a reason to be nervous than most. The man behind the desk is Satan, Jerry is one of his foreman. A minor demon, he's a soul who's been around so long that he was finally given a job, managing the fourth ring of hell. It has also amused Satan to give Jerry the demeanor of a blue collar worker from Passaic NJ.

Jerry: Pardon me your demonic majesty, sir.

Executive/Satan: Yes. Well, what is it...I understand you have a complaint?!

Jerry: No, no — not a complain, not a complaint your devil-ness...but we definitely have a ah....situation down at the ring. As you know, we've had an influx of souls from, shall we say, the world of finance and ah...they keep asking about the "wages of sin."

Executive/Satan: Don't they know that's only an expression..."

Jerry: Well, You know bean counters, they tend to be very literal.... Anyway they're complaining about the distribution of resources. They feel that since they created most of the wickedness up there, they don't think it's fair that most of the spoils of all that evil is controlled by only the top 1% of the demons down here.

Executive/Satan: Guess their not so good with irony either. So let them complain, they're in hell! Their not supposed to like it....

Jerry: That's the other issue, oh prince-o-darkness, sir....

They're not so upset about being here...they see the fact that they are here as proof that they were major SOB's up there...so they're kinda proud of themselves. They even compete with each other...who can endure the most brimstone, who can sit in lava the longest, who can eat the most frozen pizza.

They are also demanding improvements to the infrastructure, you know this place HAS been around forever, they're asking about bigger sulphur pits to ease over crowding, a separate ring for derivative traders, a suggestion box....

Executive/Satan: A suggestion box?!!

Jerry: Apparently some of them had some experience with reality TV and have their own ideas about torture.

Executive/Satan: What do you suggest?" Satan is getting impatient.

Jerry Forgive me for sayin', but all the Medieval stuff ain't workin' on these guys. After all, these people were raised on Wes Craven movies. I suggest we go JPS on their asses."

Executive/Satan: JSP?

Jerry: You know, John Paul Sartre, the a French existentialist philosopher, playwright, novelist, screenwriter, political activist, biographer, and literary critic who proposed that hell was other people and that there is no after life..."

Executive/Satan: No after life... Satan chuckles
Remember how surprised he was when he first got here. I ran into him at the cafeteria...he was delicious.

Jerry:, Anyway, as I was saying, we go all JSP on them—we should put them up in cheap hotels, give them fast food joints with very bad service and domestic beer. Give them economy cars with no extras and constant traffic jams...

or we can just move them to Peoria.

Executive/Satan: Hmmm..Peoria. Satan says thoughtfully with a smirk.

Jerry, how would you like a promotion to the third ring...

The Other Side

Occupy Hell
St. Muffy
Jebadiah the Near Messiah
The Voice
Mayan Acopalypse

Occupy Hell
was originally published by
The Writer's Circle »