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Celebrity Evolution

What if Darwin wrote for TMZ...

What if Charles Darwin were a tabloid newspaper columnist? Would he see today's stars as the product of some sort of celebrity evolution? Would he see them as clearly identifiable "types": the spunky side kick, the hunky reluctant hero, the wise, large black woman who knows the answers to all of life's great questions (If she starts a sentence with the words "Listen child..." pay strict attention, you may want to take notes.)

Did they all start out as some simpler form of "life" and, over time, develop into what they are today. Tracing their "evolution", he might have come up with something like this:


The Blonde Lead Singer Lady Rocker
Clearly nature has selected for blonde lead singers. Is that they stand out more or are they just so hot looking that you don't really notice the music?

Mary of Peter Paul & Mary
The Prototype, two guys and a hot gal

Adds major rock attitude, glam and black roots

Adds even more attitude and glam, obsession with her lady parts

Britney Spears
Adds a last name, school girl innocence before switching to trailer park chic

Christina Aguilera
Adds singing ability

Adds Latin American roots

Lady Gaga
Adds dress made from meat


The Action Hero/Muscle Dude
An action hero who probably spends too much time at the gym...best known for incredible muscle definition and knowledge of obscure fighting techniques

Arnold Schwarzenegger
The Prototype, complete with chemical enhancement

Sylvester Stallone
Adds Brooklyn accent, Writes self non speaking role (Rambo)

Chuck Norris
Adds Championship belts. Can actually fight, has beat up people for a living

Jean Claude Van Dam
Adds two middle names

Steve Segal
Adds pony tail, plucked eyebrows, possible underworld connections

Gerard Butler
Adds yelling, big teeth


Anti-Hero/Law Enforcement/Fighting for the Good Guys Man
Basically a good guy but he has to do things HIS way...if his clothes are somewhat rumpled, so much the better. You can trace its evolution below:

Gene Hackman
Fashion challenged Prototype as seen in the The French Connection.

Clint East Wood
Adds bigger gun, raised eyebrow

Harrison Ford
Adds the ability to star in more than one franchise (Han Solo, Jack Ryan, Indiana Jones)

Bruce Willis
Adds attitude, catch phrases. Loses hair

Kurt Russell
Adds muscles, loses personality

Shia LeBouf
Adds whining and a "what the hell am I doing here" look



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